Republicans agree to have ‘no candidate’ for president

The US Republican Party have decided overwhelmingly to select no candidate for the presidency, and will henceforth be campaigning for people to vote for no candidate in the election. “That’ll show those Washington establishment types”, a Republican delegate was heard to say yesterday. The agreement is seen by many as the only way to please both the people who give the party its money, who wanted to not select Donald Trump, and the party faithful, who roundly voted against the idea of selecting one of the other guys.

Oklahoma Republican Tex Hunter said that he had been wanting to distance himself from Donald Trump’s candidacy for some time, but was scared that people would interpret that as support for someone like Ted Cruz, who Mr Hunter also doesn’t support.

A representative of the Republican establishment said he was appalled at the way Donald Trump was using bigotry and xenophobia in his campaign. “Bigotry and xenophobia,” he said, “are some of the few tools we have to convince people to vote for the Republican agenda. I am utterly appalled that Mr Trump would waste them to attract public support for a platform that contradicts the basic Republican principles of cutting costs and invading places.”

A spokesperson for Mr Trump warned that this was a bad move, saying “We need a president to exercise the presidential prerogative to veto all the things”

Utah delegate O’Reilly S Johnson took umbrage at these remarks, saying “The presidential veto is our god-given right. How dare you Washington establishment types tell us we need a president to exercise the presidential power which was given to us by God.”

The head of the Congressional Tea Party (who nobody has ever heard of) acknowledged Johnson’s point, but added that the Democratic party were planning to put forward a candidate for the presidency. “A Republican Party without a candidate,” he suggested, “might struggle to compete in a presidential election against a Democratic Party that does have a candidate. Thankfully this issue does not arise if the candidate in question is Hilary Clinton, because everyone I know hates Hilary Clinton.”

Tex Hunter explained “It’s really very simple. If the Republican Party – the real Republican Party, not those Washington sellouts who call themselves the Tea Party – chooses to nominate no candidate, then there must be no candidate on the ballot. It’s as simple as that. How dare the Democrats try to nominate a candidate – what part of ‘no candidate’ do they not understand??”

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