Untied Kingdom votes to leave Europe

Citizens of the Untied Kingdom, whose recent vote to name a boat ‘Boaty McBoatface’ was annulled on the grounds that it was too silly, voted last week to leave Europe because they were sick of too many white people moving into the country. Many people have only recently realised that the north Atlantic country is even called the Untied Kingdom – due to a recurring typographical error, many thought the name was ‘United Kingdom’, but recent attention paid to the country has clarified that it is not particularly united, and does not have a king.

Untied Kingdom citizen Nigel Llywellyn said he was pleased to be finally leaving Europe. “The weather’s ghastly here, and there are too many muslims getting in. I hope there are fewer muslims in Africa or wherever it is we’re going.”

Many other citizens of the Untied Kingdom voted to leave the European Union to express their opposition to neoliberal austerity policies and dominance by the urban elites of London, despite predictions that an Untied Kingdom cast adrift from Europe would in fact end up being ruled from London.

While the people of Untied Kingdom member countries England and Wales mostly voted to leave Europe, the people of Scotland and Northern Ireland have voted overwhelmingly to remain part of the temperate northern continent. This may lead to a split between the countries, which is problematic as they are part of the same tectonic plate.

When the shock election result was announced, the Prime Minister promptly announced he would be resigning, but would stay on as Prime Minister for the next 3 months in an attempt to keep the kingdom in limbo as long as possible. He said that because he had campaigned to stay in Europe, he was the wrong person to resolve the last few technical details, such as how the country will go about leaving Europe, and which continent it will move to. It was assumed that the leader of the campaign to leave Europe would take over as prime minister and leader of the Conservative party, but he unexpectedly declared that he didn’t want the job either. Meanwhile, the Labour Party are concerned that their leader was insufficiently staunch about the need to stay in Europe, and some of them are worried he may see the kingdom’s impending overseas experience as an opportunity to promote reforms based on Labour Party values. He may nonetheless be allowed to stay on in the job of Labour Party leader, so long as he makes it clear that he does not speak for the Labour Party. If the uncertainty in the two major parties continues much longer, the Queen may have to step in and appoint Scottish Nationalist Party leader Nicola Sturgeon as Prime Minister to reunite the country.

Lots of British people who are unhappy about leaving Europe are now enquiring about moving to New Zealand, which is also not part of Europe. “Of course we’ll let them in”, said a generic Kiwi, “the same as we would let in people from somewhere like Syria if they were facing a similar situation”


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