A Dunedin Proctor was recently found to have obtained a large quantity of bongs from houses in Leith Street, near Otago University. The Proctor in question, Mr Scott David, was distributing a New Zealand Fire Service pamphlet, which warns the people of Dunedin how to guard against the danger of spontaneous combustion of lounge furniture. Mr David said he entered the houses in question for the purpose of checking that all couches had been shifted outdoors in accordance with fire safety protocols.
While it is unclear what Mr David required so many bongs for, we are confident it was part of his procting work, and not something he did in a private capacity. If he was organising a massive bong party, it was at least a massive proctological bong party.
New Zealand’s foremost expert on procting and the behaviour of proctors is Otago University Professor of Proctology Dr Willi Fels Wing. Professor Wing explained that the word ‘proctor’ was derived from the word ‘procurator’, and proctors often felt the desire to procure things.
Past proctors had dedicated a portion of their time to procuring songs, or tongs, or in one case, prongs. A corrupt proctor in Ho Chi Minh City was once found to have procured an impressively large quantity of the Vietnamese currency, called the Dong. In fact, it was due to the procuring prowess of famous 19th Century proctor Archibald Wong that the Otago Medical School’s anatomy museum came to have the world’s largest collection of nefariously-obtained schlongs.
Mr David previously came to public attention for collecting a large number of newspapers with a cover story that had something to do with periods. His defence in this case was that he did not have mens rea, which a large number of non-lawyers think is also something to do with periods. Professor Wing said that this was likely outside the rightful powers of a proctor, because ‘newspaper with articles about menstruation’ does not rhyme with ‘gong’.
Can of Worms, Opened 